Grey's Anatomy Is Good Medicine for a Pity Party (See what I did there?)

When I really get down about all of the restmüll (German reference) in my life, I turn to Grey's Anatomy. No matter what else is going on, the characters at Seattle Grace can really put life into perspective. Let me tell you some of the ways their lives suck more than mine.

1) I'm not sharing a pole through my spine with another man and the only way to save him is for me to be slid off the pole and die before my fiance can get to the hospital and we can say goodbye.

2) I didn't cut the LVAD wire on my fiance's heart device in order to put him higher on the transplant list (which worked, bt-dub) but then watched him die of a stroke. To make matters worse, he was a millionaire and left 8.7 million to me and I'm paralyzed with grief and can't use it.

3) I don't have the syph via Alex Karev via a nurse.

4) I don't have a lesbian lover who got pregnant via a mutual friend while we were broken up and I was in Africa. Then, when I asked her to marry me got into a car accident and I nearly lost said baby and said fiance.

5) I'm not a world famous surgeon with a secret hand tremor.

6) I don't have my hand on an unexploded bomb inside a man's chest.

7) I wasn't in labor while my husband's brain was exposed on the operating table after he got in a car crash rushing to the hospital.

8) My mom wasn't a world class surgeon who developed Alzheimers and asked me to keep her secret. Oh, and she had an affair with my boss's boss's boss while I was growing up.

And, even though their lives clearly suck MUCH more than mine, sometimes they say things that hit home.

Addison: I never thought I'd end up alone.

Callie: You have not ended up anywhere.

Addison: Yeah, you're right. I know. It's just that... um... sometimes it feels that way. This is one of those weeks it feels that way.

Yuppers, Addison. I totally feel you, girl. And it sucks.

The other day I was having dinner with a friend and she commented, "How will you ever trust someone again?" She is absolutely right. I don't feel like I could ever let anyone else into Peanut and my life. I don't want to think about dating, much less remarriage. I've already given Peanut one crummy male role model, what if I do it again? (In the same breath, will I let STBX steal romantic love from me? Forever?  That seems, well, uncool.)

Being alone is easier than risking love again. Because, that is the truth. I absolutely, unequivocally, whole-heartedly loved my husband. I loved who I thought he was and I believed he loved me that way too. He wasn't who he portrayed himself to be, and I can't afford to be wrong twice.

Meredith Grey: At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don’t keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That’s how we’re made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines… that are way too dangerous to cross.

Risking love seems too dangerous. At least, for now. 
(Though not as dangerous as having my hand inside a stranger's chest touching an unexploded bomb, so that's something.)