How do you know when you've really,
truly, waydowninthedepthsofyourheart forgiven? Is it when you don't
feel angry, sad, or lost at the mention of their name? Is it when you
can calmly occupy the same space? Is it when you can pray that good
things will come to them?
I'm still not sure.
Beginning in May I began giving real
effort to forgiving those people who hurt me. I prayed for peace in
my heart. During May, June, and the early part of July I cried every
time I said the Lord's Prayer.
What kind of a hypocrite was I? Daily,
I would ask God to forgive me as I forgave those who trespassed
against me (or whatever language you use- debtors, sinners...) yet I
was holding on to pain and anger and not forgiving.
I told myself that I had to do it, even
though they weren't asking for forgiveness. I wasn't forgiving them
for their sake, I was forgiving them for my sake. Finally I talked
about this with my counselor. I wanted to know how I would know
that I had really forgiven. I think I asked about a certificate
signed and dated by God with a shiny foil seal. (Maybe stamped with a
cross or a Jesusfish...) He laughed and then mentioned that perhaps
it wasn't them I was failing to forgive.
It was me.
I couldn't forgive myself for not
giving my sweet Peanut an intact, loving, two-parent family. When I
got married I did it believing I was choosing the best father for my
children- a real man who would provide spiritually, emotionally,
financially, and physically. A man who would put his family before
himself. I come from a long line of men who have done this and
Peanut was named for two of the greatest examples I've known of what
it means to be an upstanding, loving man.
I chose... poorly. (Indiana Jones
reference intended.)
I couldn't forgive my inaccurate
assessment and the way my choice in a partner would affect Peanut's
life forever.
Now, I think I'm closer than ever to
forgiving myself. The grief is not as stinging and comes at less
frequent intervals. Above all, it took the two of us to make the one
amazing little Peanut. I would go through the hardships of the past
8-10 months one million more times just to have him again.
So when it happens, I'd really like a Microsoft
Publisher certificate acknowledging my achievement.
I don't think you chose poorly. I think you made the best choice you could have with all of the information you had. People change and sometimes they get sick. It's not your fault that any of this happened. I don't know why bad things happen to good people or why people who seem fine end up with a mental illness (if I did I would charge money for that skill!). But I do know you, and I know the strong woman that you are and the amazing mom you have become. For whatever reason God decided this was the path you had to travel down. I know that there is something good at the other end of it and that all of the pain and the heartache will not be for naught. Peanut will grow up to be like the strong and good men he is named after and like the amazing mom who's raising him.
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