Do You Think God Uses Microsoft Publisher?

How do you know when you've really, truly, waydowninthedepthsofyourheart forgiven? Is it when you don't feel angry, sad, or lost at the mention of their name? Is it when you can calmly occupy the same space? Is it when you can pray that good things will come to them?

I'm still not sure.

Beginning in May I began giving real effort to forgiving those people who hurt me. I prayed for peace in my heart. During May, June, and the early part of July I cried every time I said the Lord's Prayer.

What kind of a hypocrite was I? Daily, I would ask God to forgive me as I forgave those who trespassed against me (or whatever language you use- debtors, sinners...) yet I was holding on to pain and anger and not forgiving.

I told myself that I had to do it, even though they weren't asking for forgiveness. I wasn't forgiving them for their sake, I was forgiving them for my sake. Finally I talked about this with my counselor. I wanted to know how I would know that I had really forgiven. I think I asked about a certificate signed and dated by God with a shiny foil seal. (Maybe stamped with a cross or a Jesusfish...) He laughed and then mentioned that perhaps it wasn't them I was failing to forgive.

It was me.

I couldn't forgive myself for not giving my sweet Peanut an intact, loving, two-parent family. When I got married I did it believing I was choosing the best father for my children- a real man who would provide spiritually, emotionally, financially, and physically. A man who would put his family before himself. I come from a long line of men who have done this and Peanut was named for two of the greatest examples I've known of what it means to be an upstanding, loving man.

I chose... poorly. (Indiana Jones reference intended.)

I couldn't forgive my inaccurate assessment and the way my choice in a partner would affect Peanut's life forever.

Now, I think I'm closer than ever to forgiving myself. The grief is not as stinging and comes at less frequent intervals. Above all, it took the two of us to make the one amazing little Peanut. I would go through the hardships of the past 8-10 months one million more times just to have him again.

So when it happens, I'd really like a Microsoft Publisher certificate acknowledging my achievement.