Three Years Ago
Three years ago, today, I vowed before
God, my family, and my friends to love honor and cherish my husband.
I gleefully and whole-heartedly promised to love him and to be faithful to him. My heart was light with joy
and soppy-full of happyhope. I thought that 8/8/09 was the beginning of
my happily ever after. Just over 30 months later I signed papers
filing for divorce. I felt (and sometimes still feel) like a failure.
Going to a Christian counselor was one
of the best decisions I made these past 6 months and he has really
helped me handle this feeling, "I am a failure."
Basically, he explained that just like it takes two to tango, it
takes two committed people to make a marriage. When one person
refused to be committed and actively chose to break vows repeatedly,
the other cannot make a marriage alone. It just isn't possible. Even
so, I regularly have to talk myself through his example to keep from
getting down on myself.
I'm not sure how to celebrate this
'un-niversary.' Technically, today I have been married for 3 years.
Do I cry about the loss of the marriage I thought I had? Do I hide
out in my living room order to spare anyone the uncomfortable
situation of seeing me today? Do I go on as though life is normal?
Does Hallmark even have a card for this? (If not, I bet
someecards.com does...)
(And, they did!)
I feel some sadness at the loss of
those dreams I imagined. On our wedding day, I could picture being
surrounded by family and friends 10, 25, and 50 years down the road.
I never visualized that exactly three years later I would be alone
listening to the deep breathing of our sleeping son and he would be
serving jail time. Who could have forseen this?
I don't miss STBX (soon to be ex- which
is the nicest acronym I can come up with) and don't want him back.
(Ever. Evereverevereverever.) I don't want my marriage back. I'm so
much less lonely now than I was living with him.
Even so, today I'm mourning. This
should have been a day marked with celebration, or at least happy
acknowledgment, but instead it commemorates a lost dream.
Time to dream a new dream.
I have a feeling God will do great things in and for you and Leo out of all of this.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was little, I was so mad at my mom for divorcing my dad, and when he died, a part of me blamed her because maybe if they had stayed married he would have been in better health and thus still alive. But not too long after that, God really showed me that my very blessed life came out of all those horrible things. I wouldn't have been the person I became, wouldn't have had the education and close family and friends I had, nor would I have had the steps toward the future He has brought me to thus far if they hadn't split up & we moved away. It was all a blessing in disguise for each of us & for others who have learned from some of our life lessons.
I'm so proud of you and pray for the brighter dreams you and Leo find and follow!
Truth! I know it's hard to see it now, but you really are providing THE BEST life for Leo! Dawn's absolutely right, being raised by a single parent shapes you and not in a bad or negative way. I learned to be resilient, independent and tough when I needed to be. My concept of what "family" is was also greatly expanded. I didn't have the typical mom, dad, sibling and dog. I had mom, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends and all sorts of "bonus" family I might not have had otherwise.
DeleteLeo is so lucky to have such a strong momma! I can't imagine how hard its been but glad that you are moving forward. I think its also taking a lot of courage to share your story, but love keeping up. Like Dawn said we are praying for you and the brighter dreams that will surely be down the road.
ReplyDeleteI read something recently. I found it to be pretty amazing. The book is pretty profound, if you're ready for it. (most people are not).
ReplyDeleteHere's what I learned:
Failure is only a temporary setback. [this means your ended marriage ABR] There is a huge advantage in failure (if you see it as a TEMPORARY setback). Failure teaches you that the road you were on was going the wrong way. [you didn't know it at the time and can therefore not be blamed for the direction of this road] Learn, from this failure, the direction you should be going in. Go that way.
We love you. If you feel like celebrating tonight, or just talking out possible new roads, I'm available.
I think it is appropriate to mourn the loss of your dreams, even if you don't want STBX back. Ask Jesus to help you mourn and then to help you have closure. I am sorry that you've been hurt and betrayed, but I thank God that your best days are in front of you.
ReplyDelete