My Secret Shame

From March 22, 2012

I don't know whose brilliant idea it was to make a pregnant woman pee in a cup on a weekly basis, but I'll bet all the impulse buys in Target that it wasn't a woman in her 3rd trimester.

You see, as the rate of doctor visits increases, the circumference of belly increases, and the volume of liquid reduces due the frequent need to release said liquid due to baby's increasing size and strength of kicks. This creates the opportunity for a perfect storm in the OBGYN's tiny water closet.

For those of you who are male or have yet to enjoy the privilege of carrying a 39 week fetus, I have a little experiment for you to try.

Supplies

Twelve ounces of drinkable water

One available toilet

One Dixie cup

One blindfold

Two extra large pillows

One roll of duct tape

One XL bag of white flour

Procedure

Step 1: Drink water.

Step 2: Lie on floor . Place bag of flour on your stomach below your navel. Place extra large pillows on top of flour. Duct tape pillows and flour to your person in a belt-like fashion. Make it tight. Tighter.

Step 3: Stand. Waddle the floor for 15 minutes.

Step 4: Head to the toilet with a dixie cup and blindfold. (See where we're going?)

Step 5: Tie on blind fold.

Step 6: Eliminate waste into Dixie cup. (Note: This may take a fair amount of Cirque du Soleil-ing.)

Did you have success?

Yeah, me neither. Every week I am weighed (thankyouverymuchfortheextraslidetotheright, nurse), handed a little cup, and marched into my own version of urine misery. Not only is it nearly impossible to aim, it is definitely impossible to see the stream, and incredibly difficult to manage the volume of product.

If too much product makes it into the cup I feel embarrassed about my output and generally pour the superfluous liquid into the toilet. Sometimes then, too much is poured out and I feel the need to refill, increasing the likelihood of splashing. On other occasions, I struggle to eliminate anything, much less allow it to make it into the cup. This is far worse, as I then apologize profusely to the nurse as she tips the cup angularly to check my hCG level.

After a few mortifying sessions (yep, I'm the cautionary tale person who dropped the plastic cup into the porcelain), I imagined bringing a funnel to assist. Its true. I'm a problem solver.

And, it worked.

(Now, you know my secret shame. And, because I know you're wondering... I threw the funnel away at the doctor's office. My freezer jam is safe to enjoy.)