You know it. You see someone coming down the aisle at you and rather than have to deal with a difficult situation you either become engrossed in the varieties of chicken stock and make your decision with the weightiness of deciding whether Luda or Coolio is the greatest hip hop/rap artist since Tupac or turn your cart around with a sudden desire to return to the pet food aisle. Perhaps the 28 lb. bag will be insufficient.
Having been the recipient of many Wal-Mart turnarounds, I want to share what I've learned. (And if you said anything on the negative lists to me, do NOT feel bad. I know you had the best intention, and I love you for trying. I'm posting this because I think we can better help others in crisis.)
Things to say when someone is in
crisis:
I'm sorry.
You don't deserve this.
Whatever decisions you make are the
right ones.
You don't have to make any decisions
right now.
Life will get better.
You are bigger than this.
You are special.
I'm thinking about you.
I'm praying for you.
I'm here for you.
We can talk about what is going on if
you want, but don't feel like you need to.
I want to help you. I will... (bring
food, take your child to the park, clean your bathroom, rake your
leaves, change your light bulbs, walk your dog, bring you copious
amounts of chocolate...) and I won't take no for an answer.
How do you want me to feel?
I went through something similar. If you want, we could talk about it.
I went through something similar. If you want, we could talk about it.
Ask any concrete question about life.
One friend made it her mission to make
me laugh. It was wonderful to hear funny stories and receive her
daily text messages of affirmation. How can you be desolate when you have
a stuffed dog shaking his hips to Sir Mix-a-Lot's best hit, "I
Like Big Butts."
Things not to say:
I know exactly how you feel.
You need to pray for the strength to
forgive.
What are you going to do?
How can I help?
God has His reasons for this.
God has His reasons for this.
How are you doing? (Followed by
sympathetic head tilt.)
The worst:
Say nothing.
I'm glad Sir-Barks-A-Lot was a success. ;)
ReplyDeleteI even brought him to the hospital to be my focus item! :)
ReplyDeleteI am glad you wrote this. I TRY not to do the Wal-Mart turn around (although I am human), but I DO have a tendency to do the "How can I help?". And, then, I feel like the other person is upset with me as a person, or doesn't need me, when I get the mumbles and nothing affirmative and then never end up helping them and there is an invisible wedge placed in our relationship. I will work on remembering to be specific...and insistent. :) Thank you!
ReplyDeleteIt is great of well-meaning people, like you, to offer to help, but I know I felt SO overwhelmed with all of the things to do. Still, I didn't know how to rally my troops and/or was embarrassed to ask for help.
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