May 8, 2012
In the days between January 25th (the
afternoon I found out about STBX's- Soon T Be eX- infidelities) and April 2nd (when
Peanut was born) I worried. A lot. To those of you who know me or
read this blog, it
should come as no surprise that I worried.
Throughout those weeks, I was so
fearful about life. I felt certain that something would be wrong
with my little Peanut. Colic. Birth defects. Stillbirth.
My brilliant therapist said it best,
"If I were driving my car along a road and it felt a little off,
I would think, 'No big deal. I'll stop by a mechanic's shop and have
the engine looked at. This is a problem I can fix." Then, while
driving to the mechanic's out of nowhere a MAC TRUCK plows into me.
I would then think that life was unpredictable and scary."
(Metaphorical genius, he is.)
That was exactly how I felt about life.
When I shared my concerns with many
others they assured me, "Your baby will be just fine. He will
be born healthy, happy, and beautiful. God wouldn't add any more
difficulties to your life. He knows just how much you're dealing
with."
And then, I would feel better. 'Of
course. God loves me. He doesn't want hardship to come to me. He will
protect Peanut. He wouldn't give me more to handle right now.' I
would be smug and comforted by the thought until the fears would
return.
One day I shared my fears with one of
the most faith-filled women I know, who also happened to be a
colleague. She looked me in the eye and told me that my worries
could be true. Peanut might not be healthy. She shared, "God
doesn't owe you anything, Ashley. You owe him everything, and for
everything he gives you, you should rejoice and be thankful."
Owie.
Her words stung, but the more I thought
about and prayed about them, the more I knew she was right. God
doesn't owe anyone anything. He loves us and wants the best for us,
sure.* But it is in hardship that many find faith or deepen their
relationship with Him. Isn't that a blessing in itself?
It was only through her words that I
gained true relief. Whatever happened to Peanut and me would be okay
because we had a powerful, loving God who gave his son for us (and
you). He doesn't owe me anything, so I should give thanks for
everything.
Everything.
*I assume and hope based on the
experiences of my faith journey. It seems awfully cocky to say I know
what God is thinking.
God has interesting way of testing (not sure if that's the word I really want...) us, but we are so lucky at what he does give us! Glad you found comfort from such an good friend and her wise words.
ReplyDeleteAs I have learned, God does work all things for good...but that's HIS good, not always ours. Like you said, He wants people to turn to Him, whatever it takes to draw them to that place. Turning to Him is the Good... Whatever He has to use to get us there. So glad Peanut IS healthy and you can praise God for that :)
ReplyDeleteAmen to Dawn's comment about God working things for His good, not ours. Thanks for your post, Ashley! After 3 years of searching for social studies teaching jobs and not getting anything, I have been annoyed (to say the least) with God, even though He's blessed me in so many ways. Your post reminded me to be careful about whining to God when I pray. The title alone is a poignant DAILY reminder that I need to put on the bathroom mirror or the door to the coffee cupboard. :)
ReplyDeleteWow! Thanks for sharing! <3
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